Mug Shots

Was today one of those days that had you responding "fuck off!" even when someone was just saying "good morning!"?

No? Was it just me? I must be getting less tolerant in my old age. And so begins my moaning about turning another year older in approximately 31 days!

Anyway.

Sunday was my 5th Anniversary at Arkham Asylum. I remember when I first started here, at the young whipper snapper age of 32 (although soon to be 33), and was still a Bambi (naive with balancing issues) with hopes and dreams and a small coffee cup. After a couple of years, I bought a bigger cup because my escapes from my desk for coffee refills became less and less frequent.

This year, to celebrate the demise of my sense of humor when it comes to the Asylum, I graduated to an Andre the giant sized cup. I stopped kidding myself about being able to leave my desk. Ever.

I know what you're thinking, doesn't this mean more potty breaks? I won't tell anyone if you don't!

Of course this also means I am celebrating 5 years of playing "Fetch OZ's sandwich" which is always nice. Especially because one of my joys in life is walking across a vacant lot, side stepping dog poop landmines, in 4 inch heels for a meatball sandwich that somebody else is going to eat.

Yay me!

And if I happen to be at lunch when his majesty wants *HIS* lunch? Well, Glynda and her CSI skills track my ass down.

Glynda [walks into my office doesn't see me so she asks Milton]: Where's Bee?

Milton: Lunch.

Glynda: I was just in the lunchroom and she's not in there but I noticed the toaster is still warm.

Milton: Maybe she stepped out?

Glynda: But her purse is still here. [points at my chair where I place my purse and then swivel it to face the wall so that I don't get burglared by criminal patients]

Milton [starts fidgeting because now she's faced with a puzzle she cannot solve (no, I wasn't there to see it happen but I know my Milton)]: Um well maybe she walked to the gas station/Subway.

Glynda [dusts my area with special tracking powder]: Her car keys were sitting on this ledge and now they’re gone.

Milton: I-I-I don't know where she could be! [cries]

Glynda [she leaves the business office and is hot on my trail]: The foot pattern in the kitchen indicates she headed to the back door. Tiny miniscule crumbs tell me she left the building. This twig that was lying facing the handicap parking spot is now broken in half with the longer piece pointing east. Aha! She's eating her toasted sandwich in her car!

And then I heard a knock on my car window so I looked up and there, in her 4 foot 9 inch flashy white uniform, stood Glynda.

Glynda: OZ needs a meatball sandwich with cheese and 5 onion slices right now.

Yeah, she must still believe in Santa Claus if she thinks I'm gonna jump like a trained poodle and rush over to fetch his sandwich before I've had my lunch.

Me: Did you bring me money?

Glynda: Uh, no but Milton can get it for you.

Me: Okay, I've got another 15 minutes. I'm sure OZ won't die of starvation before then.

Glynda: Will you go right now if I bring you the money.

Me: No.

Glynda: I'll tell him you're on your way anyway. No sense in upsetting him.

And she waited for me to respond but my brain had already dismissed her.

In the amount of time it took her to track me down, she could have walked over to get his damn sandwich but I guess it wouldn't have tasted as good.

One more year of this silliness before I'm fully vested in our retirement fund!

Andyisms:

We spent the weekend at my in-laws house and woke up before sunrise on Sunday morning. As I was getting ready to go outside so that I could witness the sunrise, I asked Andy if he was going to come outside with me and his response was classic Andy:

"Well of course you sappy bastard!"

He makes my heart SOAR!

The compromises one makes in one's marriage will determine how well you sleep at night.

Hey, what's up? How've you been? You know what? Before you answer, let me tell you about last night. Not that I don't care about what you've been up to but this here blog is called "Bee's Musings" not "Everybody tell Bee about their lives because she really cares only she doesn't but she'll pretend to listen because she's all about being polite and shit." that title would NOT fit on the header thingie. So don't be rude and interrupt me, m'mkay?

For the past week and a half I have been completely obsessed and utterly hypnotized by a show called Dexter. There is something about watching a seemingly average, mild mannered man turn into a butchering monster and the only difference in his appearance are the shadows on his face. I have to admit I have a little bit of a crush on him.

   

No, I have a huge GINORMOUS crush on him. I know he's a killer and all but I know I'd be safe. After all, I'm not too much of a bad person. He wouldn't harm me just because I love making fun of people. Words don't kill people, Dexter does.

Throughout my Dexter obsession, Andy has been a trooper and just rolled his eyes every once in a while when I've dreamily sighed after Dexter has dismembered yet another bad guy. We went through the first season pretty quickly and I put the second season in our Netflix Queue faster than you can say "chainsaw" but Andy had some conditions before I could watch the next season.

Well, just ONE condition actually. I had to give in so that I could got back to my Dexter.

His condition? That we watch the movie he put on our Nextflix Queue. A movie called Bitch Slap.

This is straight from IMBD:

When three curvaceous babes, stripper Trixe, business executive Hel, and the feisty ex-con Camero, arrive at a desert hideaway to steal a stash of diamonds from an underworld kingpin, things quickly spiral out of control. Allegiances are switched, truths are revealed, criminals are unmasked and nothing is quite what it seems as the fate of the world is precariously balanced among this trio of sexy femmes fatales. Written by Anonymous (why are you hiding you horn dog?)

Well. Erm. Okay?

Bee: Uh, where did you hear about this movie?

Andy [looks away]: Uhm, I watch a lot of trailers so this was one of them and it just looked... INTERESTING Yeah! That's it! It's an action adventure film and you know how I love "action" and "adventure"!

Bee: Mmmmhm. [stares at him with her Dexter starved eyes and then shrugs] put it on. No, wait. Let me get my ice cream [because ice cream washes away all the dirty].

So we sit down and the first scene is this:

 

And then the girls are diggin by moving one grain of sand at a time while their boobies nearly spill out of their tops.

(left to right: Hel, Trixie, Camero)

Well damn! They should come help me dig my flower beds.

All that digging is making them hot, though, so they decide to cool off with a water fight. While their boobies nearly spill out of their tops.

But then the girls get mad at each other because one makes out with the other so they fight! While their boobies nearly spill out of their tops.

Sadly, one dies (sorry if I ruined part of the movie for you!). While her boobies nearly spill out of her top.

(I think this was Andy's favorite.)

I won't ruin the end for you because I don't want you to track me down just so you can Bitch Slap me so I'll just share some of my favorite quotes from the movie:

"Camero: I'm gonna booty-bang bitch slap your fucking ass until you're just this side of salvage. Then I'm gonna ram-ride girly's show tits asunder before I plow both of you bitches under!" --(damn, girlfriend! Do you eat cheese with that mouth?)

"Camero: Fun's over with, Gage. Next stop, brown town." --(ouchie!)

"Trixie: We read that we ought to forgive our enemies; but we do not read..." --(she's the smurt one)

"Trixie: Oh, my God. You're a wicked-cool covert operative masquerading as a sex-toy tycoon?
Hel: Mm-hmm. My mission was retrieve that... a weaponized vial of synthetic nano-swarm that Gage hijacked from a CIA convoy. It's filled with trillions of self-replicating robo-viruses that latch onto any living organism and suck the carbon out... 'til you, me, even the cockroaches are nothing more than gray goo" --(glad she's on our side!)

"Gage: [to Trixie] You take orders better than a Bangkok bum boy." --(nuff said)

When it ended, I let Andy know that the video quality wasn't bad for a B-movie and he just shrugged. I think he was upset because none of their boobies actually spilled out of their tops.

Oh well! On to Dexter, shirtless!

 

"Camero: The bitch is back!" --(Well, said my busty friend! Well said!)

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful and have the best skin tone and am awesome and things look naturally good on me and because I'm conceited.

Scene:

Andy and Bee sitting in their respective TV watching sofa/chairs stuffing their faces with chocolate cake.

Bee: Man, I don't know why but it feels like ACS tired me out more than usual today!

Andy: Chocolate cake makes everything better!

Bee: True! I think I'm gonna quit ACS, though.

Andy: Why? I thought you loved working there!

Bee: I do! But... all the clothes in stock looks too good on me.

Andy: Wow!

Bee: I know! Take for example the new shipment that came in--

Andy: No. I mean "wow" what an ego you're carrying!

Bee: What do you mean? I'm just being honest!

Andy: I'm sure you are. Do you have to buy an extra ticket when you go to the movies? One for you and one for your giant ego?? [laughs hysterically]

Bee: [evil squinty eyes] Are you calling me fat?

Andy: [panicked face, eyes wide open] WHAT?? NO! NO, NOT ALL NO!

Bee: [looking at nails] Then what is that crack about an extra seat at the movies?

Andy: OH GOD NO! I was just making a joke about your ego!

Bee: [sadly nods head] You hurt my feelings.

Andy: Babe, I seriously only meant EGO.

Bee: ... It was mean.

Andy: [wraps me up in bear hug] You know what? Why don't you buy yourself something nice tomorrow? Maybe a nice shirt? Would that make you feel better??

Bee: [instantly happy!] OKAY!

Ladies, you have much to learn from me.

Picking a movie to celebrate wedded bliss is serious business.

So, this coming Friday, April 16th, is the anniversary of my marriage to one Andy Husband.

We are planning on having a whole weekend celebration where we will go to dinner and a movie AT NIGHT TIME. With all the young folk! We were undecided as to what to see because, it being our anniversary, we wanted it to be something we both wanted to watch. The movie should have a hint of romance too, I guess?

These were our choices:

Death at a Funeral (the American version)-

Starring Chris Rock and that dude from Martin.

The movie looks wildly entertaining but the down side is that, while there is eye candy for men, I have never been attracted to Chris Rock and Martin makes me pukey so there would be no eye candy for *me*.

Kick Ass-

A comic book movie. Need I say more? Okay.

I am not a fan of comics but my Andy is so this would be totally one sided. And did Nicolas Cage ever get his face back after Faceoff or did he just keep the mask they used in the movie?

Date Night-

With Tina Fey and Steve Carrell. Two of the funniest people alive as far as I'm concerned.

On paper, it looks like the perfect movie. A husband and wife trying to rekindle some feeling, love maybe?, and hijinks ensue. The only problem with this movie is that it's also scary. I mean, it's about a married couple that rarely ventures out into the late night and all they want to do is have a nice evening. Maybe have some wine and play a little footsie under the table but instead, THEY ARE CHASED BY BAD GUYS! Yes, there is a flash of Mark Wahlberg's abs which would make it a pro but they also show his face so that would be a con. Anyway, I'm afraid this movie will knock our new found confidence of walking into the dark without our fluorescent headbands back on its ass where we will land on our sofa thanking the lord we don't have to go out again until next year.

and last but not least,

Clash of Titans-

 
Staring some very good looking people. So this movie has something for me

and something for Andy.

It has romance and fight scenes and hot guys and hot girls and it's a remake of one of my favorite movies of all time. Sure, the old movie is totally dated and the special effects look like something you can find in the driveway after it rains but the story is one I wouldn't mind seeing again.

Did I mention: 

And that is how we made our decision. Solely based on the attractiveness of the actors.

On Saturday, Andy will be cooking me a special Thai dinner which he has been researching for a few weeks now. We've searched high and low to find such ingredients as Tamarind sauce, Curry leaves and Koala feet. He's also making a special spiced wine pear desert that has me drooling.

When I was telling my mom about the dinner and kinda hinting that the dinner was only for 2 so her and my brother Rick were going to have to fend for themselves on Saturday (because we all usually eat together), she had some suggestions for Andy.

Mom: Tell him to light some candles for you so that it will be more romantic.

I translate her suggestion to Andy.

Andy: Well I was but now it'll be weird because your mom suggested it.

Mom: Tell him to put a heart made out of rose petals on the bed.

Me: MOM!

Mom [hides her face in her hands while giggling uncontrollably]: Hee hee hee! And then tell him to make a path of rose petals leading to the bed! Hee hee hee!

Translate to Andy.

Andy: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

Me: [dying of mortification inside]

Some of you may have open discussions about your love life with your parents but our motto has always been "Ewww shut up!" and it has worked for us so far but lately my mom has become less shy around us. And it may all be fine and good for the rest of my shameless siblings but I prefer to, oh I don't know, slam my head on a concrete bench?

Besides, my wifely duties are nobody's business but mine. And maybe Andy's.

I just shivered from the heebie jeebies again!

P.S.

Phone conversation with Andy about previous post about Starved Rock and the Hoochie Big Boobed Whore:

Andy: Wow! You really hated having that woman sitting there, huh?

Me: Who? The whore? Not at all babe, I was just exaggerating.

Andy: And by the way, the soda machines was in the opposite direction.

Me: Good because if I would have seen you walking towards Hoochie Big Boobs, I would have tackled your ass. Only maybe not because then you would have landed on her boobs.

Andy: ::dreamy sigh:: Ahh! A soft spot to land.

Me: Here is my advice to you, when you see me, RUN AND HIDE!

The Great Panty Controversy plus a bonus: "Raisinets of Discord!"

Like all married couples, Andy and I sometimes struggle through conflicts within our marriage. Then sometimes we have a conflict within the conflict because we have difficulty declaring a winner. I always know I'm right, therefore am the winner and Andy always thinks he's right because he lives in the land of denial where he is the king and eats chocolate bunnies all day long.

So yeah. Last Sunday, while I was working at ACS, he sends me a text message letting me know his brother is coming over to play Call of Duty after he gets off work. I thought that was cool but my mind immediately went to the 3 pairs of panties I had washed and left to dry in the bathroom so I texted back "make sure to put my panties in the room" and by that I meant bedroom. I get home after having taken my mom to dinner after work and found Andy still playing CoD alone. I go into the bathroom where I see, hanging for the world to see in their fuchsia pinkness and laced glory, my underwear.

I immediately come back out of the bathroom and stand patiently next to Andy, waiting for him to defend himself from the evil covert assassins who are trying
to kill him but then I notice there is no end in sight so I politely ask him to pause the game. He does so reluctantly:

Bee [showing him my phone]: Can you read out loud what this text says?

Andy: "Make sure to put my panties in the room" I did!

Bee: Come with me.

Andy: ::ANGRY SIGH::

Bee: ::MOCKING SIGH::

Bee [as we both walk into the bathroom]: What is that? [points at panties]

Andy: Those weren't there!

Bee: UhYES they were! What? Do you think I came in and staged the area in question before I brought you in here?

Andy: So who cares? Do you think Jim is gonna go home and tell mom and dad "I saw Bee's underwear hanging in the bathroom!"

Bee: I care! If that was the one specific thing I asked you to do, it means it matters to me!

Andy: Well, I put your work clothes away.

Bee: Yeah, thanks for that. You put away the clothing that everybody in the world can see but my undergarments were left displayed like hanging dead chickens in Chinatown!

Andy: If it bothers you so much, maybe you shouldn't hang them in the bathroom?

Bee: Where do you suggest? Somewhere more private? Like maybe at a street corner?

Andy: ::Mumbles::

Bee: I can't leave you home alone without you doing something catastrophic-

Andy: Way to exaggerate there, Queenie-

Bee: -like eating my Raisinets!

Andy: Here we go again!

And now, for the bonus "Raisinets of Discord!"

Last Friday, Andy and I went out on our weekly date of errand running. I bought some gym shoes, then we stopped at Walgreen's for some toiletries. As we were heading for the cashier, we saw a big display of old time candy. You know the kind, right? Jujyfruits, milk duds, whoppers, hot tamales, etc. I don't know if you know this but I'm currently trying to be careful in what I put in my pie hole. So I walked right on by the yummy candy but had to come back when my husband was drawn to it like a magnet.

Andy [excitedly]: Bee! They have peanut butter whoppers. As in, here is some chocolate whoppers but wait! Here are some peanut butter whoppers! WHOPPERS COATED IN PEANUT BUTTER!

 

Bee: So get them.

Andy: They're 3 for $2. Do you want something?

I carefully look over the selection and analyze all the calories, fat, sugar, sodium, garygononium and finally choose a box of Raisinets.

Bee: Okay, I'll take the Raisinets. This way I can have a little and still satisfy my chocolate craving.

Andy: We need one more. They're 3 for $2.

Bee: You choose the 3rd one because I can't have anything else.

Andy: I'll take the sour patch kids!

 

Bee: Are you sure? You don't like gummy candy.

Andy: I'm in the mood for them.

We left the store. Once we got home, I opened my box of Raisinets, counted out 8 little raisins (I just thought of that song '8 little injuns' and then I felt ashamed of myself because I feel like a racist)(Okay, I googled '8 little injuns' and google said "did you mean 10 little Indians you insensitive bitch?" Ouch google! Ouch.) and savored each one by letting it sit in my mouth until the chocolate dissolved on its own. I closed the box, laid it on the dining room with a gentle pat letting it know that I would soon pay it another visit. The next day, Saturday, I went off to work so that I may support my beloved husband's habit of expensive shoes- uh, expensive VIDEO GAMES. When I got home, after being on my feet for 4 hours without a pee break, I looked over at the dining room table where my Raisinets awaited me. Only they weren't there.

Bee: Andy? Where are my Raisinets?

Andy [from the dungeon]: I ate them.

Just those 3 words. No "sorry, hon". No "a wild bear came in and took them". Nothing. So I sashayed my butt to the dungeon and asked hopefully, "you're kidding, right?"

Andy [looks briefly away from his computer screen]: No. Why?

Bee: You ate the candy I specifically chose because I'm dieting?? What about your sour patch kids and PEANUT BUTTER COVERED whoppers??

Andy: Yuck! Those tasted like ass.

Now, I don't know how things are in your neck of the woods, dear reader, but in mine? When you take a dieting lady's Raisinets, you better pray you wake up with all your fingers.

Amen.

My man is more romantic than your man.

It was a lazy Sunday morning. Neither he nor I had to get up early to tranq violent dogs before they had their grooming appointment or get up to shovel the driveway. Instead we stayed in bed and cuddled (I know, I know, TMI) while enjoying the the musical styling's of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Then, this happened:

Andy [lays his head tenderly on my chest]: Hey! I can't hear your heartbeat!

Bee: I'm sure it's there.

Andy: Oh yeah! There it is!

Bee: I knew it would be.

Andy: Yep, I hear your heartbeat and your indigestion. Gurgle gurgle gurgle!

Bee: ...

 

Say it with me, "Awwwwww!"

Some things are better left unsaid.

Andy: I read your post about your first day at the part time job.

Bee: What? Were you bored so you thought you'd check my blog?

Andy: Basically.

Bee: Thanks.

Andy: Sure. I was wondering why you didn't talk about the shoes you bought while you were working.

Bee: I thought about it but I decided it didn't add to the story.

Andy: I disagree. The fact that you LIMPED to their shoe department and ransacked boxes until you found your size then proceeded to take off your shoes in the middle of the store to put on the new ones then realized your socks didn't match and that your feet smelled, would have completely made that story!

Bee: Hey! My feet don't smell!

Andy: They don't stink but they do have a slight odor to them. Like stale bread. It makes me go "eww stale bread smell" but then it makes me hungry.

Bee: There are so many things wrong with what you said. Besides, don't you think that would be considered TMI to share on my blog?

Andy: You're kidding, right? Now you're going to start censoring yourself? How about the time you blogged about not being able to go #2?

Bee: I was looking for suggestions!

Andy: That's why elves invented google. [pretends to type] "hello google? Why can't I poop?" or "what can make me go poop?" and then google will answer "not enough fiber" or "enema"

Bee: I liked it better when you were the silent type.

Andy: Speaking of things that make me poop, what are you cooking for dinner?

 

The End.

P.S.
Andy admitted it was only one pair of shoes that I owned that smelled funky and those were my Payless special shoes that I wear when my feet are cold and they're really more like slippers and I will no longer wear them ever again!

P.P.S.
The reason I was cooking is because my mom abandoned me again and went to Mexico. ::sobbing::

P.P.P.S.
I'm sorry if I'm not speaking clearly but I bit my tongue (I taste delicious by the way) while trying to bite a frozen piece of chocolate. The only reason I was eating chocolate was because I had sprayed my mouth with perfume in the morning (accidentally of course) and I was desperate for the taste to go away.

I bought 15 pounds of pork and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Costco has become one of my favorite places to visit on weekends. I know, pathetic. I find myself coming home with enough food, drink and napkins to last us a couple of months. The napkins last longer because who uses napkins?

This weekend, we went for our weekly romantic Costco trip and stumbled across some exciting buys. Above mentioned 15 pounds of pork shoulder mmmmm bring me a fork! A pumpkin pie bigger than a Mac truck's spare tire and 4 pounds of mixed nuts in their shells for only $7.49! It would be a crime not to purchase them.

Andy did have some reservations on all the nutage because he wasn't sure we had a nut cracker (other than yours truly, I mean) so he didn't think it wise for us to buy them, get them home and then have no other recourse but to use them as a fancy decoration because we'd be unable to get to the yummy center.

 I call this "Nuts in a vase, what your mom should have told you about women."

I sadly shook my head and told him this was one of those examples on why growing up in a privileged household may work against him and not allow him to cope with life in the lower class.

Me: Do you think our ancestors had such luxuries as "nut crackers"? No! They used stones to bust their nuts!

Andy [fierce whisper]: Shhhhhhh! Keep your voice down! I am not going to use a rock to eat nuts. I'm no savage!

Me: I will not be silenced! Wanting to survive the winter is not being a savage! Olden days people were proud and honorable! Sure, they pillaged and plundered but then I've seen you eat all the chocolate cupcakes without sharing so who are you to throw stones??

Andy: Just take the nuts. TAKE THE NUTS!!

[a little girl cries out for her mom in fear]

Me: Good going, Andy! You made a little girl cry! Andy?

[Andy has put as much distance between me and my bag of nuts as is possible in a warehouse of oversized items]

Me [to myself]: He doesn't have to worry his pretty little head. I'll show him how to eat these nuts.

Then I walked away because people were staring.

At home, I introduced him to Greta:

 

Tada!

I call this "Crushed nuts, what your dad should have told you about women."

Greta is usually used on those rare occasions when I cook and need to set my stirring spoon down on something other than Andy's head. I think she did a fantastic job, don't you?

P.S.

I also bought some sweatpants (Ralph Lauren @ Costco?) (don't judge me, I live in a cold climate!) and I need to ask if America is turning into a land of giants. My mom normally hems my pants (because I'm 12)(and cheap) so I tried them on so she could see how much she needed to cut and hem. The length she needed to cut? The length of my leg! How is that even possible?

Of birthdays and future births.

So guess what?

 

For those of you thinking that's the inside of me, shame on you! No, that's my brother Sergio's baby inside of his wife Crazy Ez. Their first little dude (or dudette). Isn't he (or she) cute? Awwwwww!

When they sent me the picture, I immediately printed it and showed it around the office and then placed it on my wall.

 

Coincidentally, today is also my brother Sergio's birthday. He turns 34. Happy Birthday! You're gettin' old, brother!

____________________________________________________________________________________

On Saturday Andy and I went to Yu's Mandarin (the most delicious food you will ever eat!). At the end of our meal, they brought us our fortune cookies and my fortune read: "You will encounter luck in the near future" so Andy said (with an urgency he reserves for taking over hills or mountains or whatever they take over in that wacky world of weirdness game) "YOU HAVE TO BUY A LOTTO TICKET!!" and I was like "What???" because I was crunching my fortune cookie so I didn't hear him and his facial expression scared me. He repeated and I rolled my eyes.

Fast forward to Tuesday evening. He was about to take a shower when I noticed a set of odd number on my phone.

Bee: Oh, hey! Do you still want me to buy that lotto ticket?

Andy: You haven't??

Bee: Uh no. I haven't bought a lotto ticket since the 90s.

Andy: Dammit Bee! If the numbers come in and we didn't buy that ticket...!!!

Bee: So? Buy it?

Andy: ... I would kill myself!

Bee: ... ::blink blink::

Andy: ...

Bee: I guess we're buying that ticket.

 

Why so serious? Talkin' about making me a widow!

'Dream Catcher'? Not so much! More like 'Dream Stealer'!

Scene:
Dark bedroom, approximately midnight, man, woman and dogs snoring. When suddenly! Man is jolted awake by ""noise"" coming ""inside"" the house!

Andy [shakes Bee awake]: Bee! Did you hear that?

Bee [is jolted from a deep sleep]: Whaa?? Who? Cheese?

Andy: Did you hear that? There was a loud bang!

Bee [punches pillow]: No. And if the dogs aren't barking then you were probably dreaming.

Andy: I'm gonna go check it out. You stay here.

Bee: ::sigh:: [gets up]

Andy: Where are you going?

Bee: You know that, of the two of us, I'm the one who can really kick ass.

Andy: I'm tempted to let you go out there and get your butt kicked just to bring you down a notch.

Bee: Hey, if you want to unleash me solo, I won't disappoint. [gets in karate kid bird position, almost topples]  The intruders will get a roundhouse kick to their—

Andy: Ankles? Shush and go back to bed.

Bee: Hell no. [notices Mocha] Mocha! Go back to bed! It's like Scooby and the gang meet the mummy over here.

Andy carefully peeks around the corner, leans his head out of the hallway and slowly makes his way towards the kitchen. I cough. Loudly.

Andy: BEE! What the hell! You want to give away our position?

Bee: "give away our position"? This isn't 'Nam. Besides, why aren't you yelling at Mocha?? Her tags have been jingling the whole time!

Andy: You know what? I'm kicking you both off of my island.

Bee: Oh my goodness! Listen!

Andy: What? WHAT??

Bee: Silence. It's just me and the chickens. [points at him and the cowering Mocha]

Andy: Okay. So maybe I was dreaming.

Bee: Ya'think?

Andy:  It felt real. . . [goes back to bed]

Bee: Does this feel real. [smacks Andy on the butt-ocks]

Andy: Ouch! Now I'll never be able to go back to slee— ::SNORE::

2 hours later, Andy is snoring, Mocha is wheezing, Tazz (who never woke up for the midnight adventure) is snorting. Bee? Bee is still wide awake, tossing and turning. PUNCHING HER PILLOW!

 

Stay tuned for the illustrated version on Sunday.

A dirty hole is nothing to be ashamed of.

I know I promised reruns but I had a quickie (not to brag or nuthin’) so I had to come over and share. I’m not really here. At this moment I'm probably sitting in a corner wondering where two curtain panels disappeared to. I blame the laundromat people because that is when I last saw them. Bastards.

I bought a shelving unit over the weekend (MADE IN THE USA baby!) to organize all the miscellaneous items in my life that I need to keep because I know I will use them at some point during my lifetime and because now that we shop at Costco, we have massive amounts of detergent, paper towels and enough toilet paper to survive The 40 Year Poop War I’m predicting.

Anyway, I got mad at Andy because he yelled at me for asking him to help me get it into the house. He said “Why do you need MY help if YOU yourself got it into the shopping cart and then into the car?? If you could do that, why wouldn’t you go that extra mile and get it in the house by yourself??” okay, so he didn’t say that exactly but I can read between the lines!

I had interrupted an important rescue-mission/battle/nut-gathering thing, you see and we all know this is likened to an act of treason! I calmly asked him why he couldn’t just tell me he’d get it after he conquered a new world instead of being an unreasonable butthead. He argues that I always want everything NOW NOW NOW! He said it in a manner that implied that was a bad thing.

Of course now I was angry so I decided to build the Shelving Unit of Discord myself. Who needs a man? Not this semi intelligent semi fashionable semi hungry chick! I have my own tools! (I bought them on sale because they came in a cute little black and red case.) (I got a set for my mom too.)

I was disappointed to learn I only needed a hammer.

I struggled with the damn Shelving Unit of Discord for 3 hours. At one point Andy came out of the dungeon, he must have left someone he trusted in charge of the safety of the galaxy, and he brought me a long screw driver so that I may “clean up the holes because it’ll be easier”. I don’t know if you know this about me but when I’m pissed I’m poisonous. I told him to go away before I cleaned up his hole and he said something about my mouth hole and went back to the important task of saving the Earth or you know, its ugly brother, Fantasy-troll-land.

Back to me.

I swore, I sweated, I sliced my delicate hands with the sharp edges so I swore some more but louder and with more feeling so that the neighbors would know without a doubt how much my soul was suffering. In the end I was proud at what I had accomplished. I had a nice, sturdy, shelving unit that could hold the weight of 4 miniature ponies juggling bowling balls.

I liked it so much I wanted another one. Trying to exit the doghouse, Andy offered to pick one up on his way home from work. He had it put together in 10 minutes TEN MINUTES!! He didn’t gloat though because he was happy to be back on my good side and he also knew I wouldn’t share the dinner my poor, sliced up hands made (pasta shells in Alfredo sauce with broccoli and lemon pepper chicken) if he so much as uttered a single little ‘I told you so’.

(can also be converted into 2 separate 2 shelf units which is what I did)

Now you’re probably thinking that Andy is a master craftsman and I should have left the building of things to a MAN but I’d have to hit you over the head with a led pipe and disagree. You see, when I moved MY shelving unit, I did so easily without having pieces fall apart in my sliced up little hands. Andy’s, however, came apart easily because you could only lift it, awkwardly may I add, from the bars holding the shelves and not the shelves themselves.

The difference? My shelves were forced into their slot holes by a woman determined to fit a half inch bracket into a ¼ inch hole but Andy “cleaned up the holes” so the shelves were all loose and wiggly (loose and wiggly- your nickname in High School?).

Woman 1,452,151 Man -7,487,778

(don’t do the math, Brian)(I typed in ‘don’t do the mEth, Brian’ but the top half of my eagle eye caught the error but I still think it’s good advice. Do not do the math OR the meth, Brian!)

The moral of the story?

Sometimes it’s okay to have a dirty hole.

P.S.

Brother Dan finally posted and he says he did so to take up my slack which I thought was nice of him and then I remembered he owed because he hates my dogs. He knows what I mean.

Stinky breath, bad hair, cold feet, in-laws*... THINGS ONE PUTS UP WITH WHEN MARRIED!

The young years

So, EIGHT LOOOONG YEARS!

Who would have thunk a shorty from the West Side and a comic book guy, I MEAN, Graphic Novel Connoisseur from the Northwest Side (almost suburbs) would last this long?

Our ethnic differences alone were something we needed to embrace. I, for example, like ketchup AND MAYO on my hot dog and he was all about NO ketchup and mayo on his hot dog. He came to his senses and now gets the yummy combination.

I think our marriage has lasted this long -EIGHT LOOOONG YEARS- due to the fact the we have never really listened to any marriage advice. Yep. We are just that awesome.

Most of the time.

But seriously folks, he's a great guy who looks after me, my momma and other members of my family with little complaint (some rants about lack of privacy and his inability to walk around naked and such but really bad naked needs to be stopped)(kidding babe). He puts up with my constant mood swings and attitude with a calm only a horse whisperer could understand.

I put up with a lot of his crap too, though. For example, all the constant hugging? I only complain about it 75% of the time. The phone calls at all hours of the day when I'm trying to work? I only yell at him after the 10th call. The fact that he loves doing laundry drives me INSANE!

He's not the mushy romantic type and can often be heard saying loving things like "Stop fidgeting! I'm trying to give you a hug, dumbass!" or "Oh poor Bee. Her husband loves her too much waaaaaah waaaah! Jerk."

My heart? It goes pitter patter.

Anyway, here is the interview with the awesome man I am lucky enough to call my hussss uh my hussss-band. (But don't ask me about him tomorrow because the meds might have worn off):

Hey babe, you may know me as the person who complains every morning because she slept on the measly 3 inches of bed your stingy butt will allow. Remember I will be the only one asking questions and I will write down everything you say and post it exactly as you say it.

Andy: You want funny? I will be Mr. Anti-Funny!

Bee: Look at that! You changed your name from Mr. Ding-Dong! [Andy throws paper towel at my head]

Here goes:

How does it feel like to be married to me for this long?

a) Like a bucket of chocolate covered strawberries with a vanilla coke chaser

b) Like a bucket full of swords with a tequila chaser

c) Like a bucket full of rainbows and furry animals

d) Give your own example

Andy: Furry animals? Like what rats and stuff?

Bee: Sure, Andy, rats because rats are ROMANTIC!

Andy: Well, I thought the multiple choices would be 2 bad ones and one good one so I thought the good one was chocolate strawberries and vanilla coke chaser. Umm well you like strawberries and vanilla coke so that, I guess?

Bee: ::sigh:: This isn't starting well.

Andy: What? I gave the right answer right? And don't tell me it's subjective because I'll scratch my balls again. Don't add that into the interview, okay? Why are you writing it down?

Bee: I said I'd write everything you said down. I don't make the rules, babe.

What do you really think of my cooking? And “it gives me gas” is not an answer.

Andy: [thinks thinks thinks shrugs denies he shrugged] it's fine you should do it more often.

Bee: I am not slaving over a hot stove for a "fine".

How do you feel about me broadcasting all our personal life drama on the webisphere? And “it gives me gas” is not an answer.

Andy: I have nothing to hide as long as you tell people I have a big-

Bee: ANDY! Your mom is going to read this!

Andy: [laughs] What? What'd you think I was going to say? I was going to say heart!

Bee: When did you know I was the awesomest chick you would ever meet and therefore decided to stop searching?

Andy: Stop searching? OUCH! You want funny? You get funny!

Bee: If you could only save one person's life and it was between me and Angelina Jolie, who would you save?

Andy: [hahahahahaha] Uh you obviously!

Bee: Are your fingers crossed?

Andy: No! I'm just cold! Sheesh woman, jealous much? Why don't you talk about the fact that you don't want women cutting my hair?

Bee: No, I said a woman could cut your hair as long as she was a beefy lesbian.

Andy: That seems very abnormal to me, buttercup.

Bee: Pffft! Normal is for blood pressure readings.

What is your favorite dish?

Andy: Now does that mean what do I like to eat or something I had once and was like "Wow!"? [at the rolling of my eyes] What? That's a valid question! Your question was too broad!

Bee: Don't blame the questions, babe. Why do you make things so complicated?

Andy: [scratches head] I can't help it. I'm a complicated man [looks puzzled because I burst into laughter] COMPLEX! I meant complex!

Bee: No, complicated is right.

Now for the last question, HOPEFULLY IT'S NOT TOO BROAD, who do you think would win in a battle between a Vampire Ninja and a Telatubby?

Andy: Is that areal question?

Bee: What do you mean "real" It's real because I'm asking it!

Andy: Let me see that paper. [reads my notes] Why would you ask that question? What is a Vampire Ninja?

Bee: Obviously it is the coolest of ninjas because it is both a Vampire AND a Ninja.

Andy: A Teletubby? Are those those weird alien things on TV?

Bee: Are you talking about The Desperate Housewives actresses and their over stretched alien faces? No. I meant the colorful ones that babies are hypnotized by.

Andy: Why do parents let their kids watch that crap?

Bee: I don't know- hey! Focus!

Andy: What was the question again?

Bee: I'm going to bed.

Andy: Sorry! What was it?

Bee: You'll have to read it on my blog tomorrow.

Andy: Uh, I'm kinda busy tomorrow since the guild--

Bee: Andy! Tomorrow is our anniversary! For being married! EIGHT LOOONG YEARS!

Andy: Oh right. Want to go to Yu's Mandarin?

Bee: Not with you.

THE END!

P.S.
Andy and I have known each other for almost 14 years. Yeah.

*Just kidding! Maybe.

Weekend Andyisms.

When trying to talk me into seeing The Watchmen:

... and there will be full frontal male nudity so there's that. [um you've seen one, you've seen them all]

After watching The Watchmen:

There was less male nudity than I thought. I mean yeah Dr. Manhattan was naked all the time but he was all glowly blue so you couldn't really tell. [... ? ...]

Censored for your protection.

While waiting to exit a lane in the supermarket parking lot and people blocking his way:

Come on! Let's go you fuckwads!! What am I? At the nexus of the universe? [what does that even mean?]

When driving home, after leaving the nexus of the universe, he let me know he really had to pee. I asked him if he wanted a piece of yummy, fresh from the oven, french bread:

Yeah. Maybe it'll soak up my pee. [ewwwww]

While getting ready for bed and battling a moth:

Who the fuck is bringing moths into the house?? [Yes babe because we herd them inside and offer them a nice pair of socks to munch on]

After telling him I was in pain and could he stop with the bear hugs?:

But hugs make the world feel better. [awwww I shall embroider that on a nice pillow and then sit on that pillow]

And last but no least.

When demonstrating concern for our mental health:

I don't think we drink enough liquor. [amen my husband. AMEN!!]

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I was looking for a cute picture of My Andy to post with Andyisms and I came across the one below. I thought "How cute! Here he is after he and Natalia went on the Ferris Wheel!" and then I noticed the beyotch checkin out his booty! Freakin' cougar! If I see her around I'm gonna make her smile come out of the back of her head!