"Bee n' Andy" — Supporting your spouse.

 

Reactions to Purple Dino-SOUR's retirement, a timeline:

Tuesday, day of her announcement:

Purple Dino-SOUR: It's time for me to retire so that I may enjoy the last few years of my life.

Glynda: Now we can fill the position with someone who really wants to work!

Me: Yay! Hopefully the next person to sit in her desk will have at least half a brain!

Milton: It's about time!

Cowardly Lion: Took her long enough!

Toto: Boohoo!

Scarecrow: Waaaah!

Wednesday, it begins to sink in.

PD: ::sniff:: I will really miss the people.

Glynda: It won't affect you too much, Bee.

Me [stops dancing]: Wait, what? Why would it affect me at all?

Milton: Uh, now we'll have to do treat day more often because she threw off the ratio!

CL: I hope I'm promoted to her position!

Toto: Boohoo waaaaah!

SC: ::sniff sniff::: ::sob sob::

Thursday, her last day. Or 'day of reckoning', if you will. 

PD: I am being FORCED OUT! OZ cut my hours to make my life miserable! He is an evil evil man!

Glynda: OZ said the work can be done by you in the amount of hours you work, Bee.

Me: What? He's not going to replace her position? I have to take over her work? ::Waaaaaah!::

Milton: . . . because when I first started working here I was doing treats 1 in 8 weeks now it'll be down to 1 in 5!

CL: Okay, I will not be promoted to her position but I will pretend I am now the queen of the asylum by bossing everybody around!

Toto: Who will help me fix the copy machine? ::sniff sniff::

SC: Now who will believe all of my outrageous lies?

Friday, the day after.

Glynda: Look at it this way, job security.

Me [sorting through the piles of unfinished work inherited from PD and thinking *job security* could go fuck itself]: I'm effed. I am so effed.

Milton: ... and now it will be almost every month! I don't know how I'll manage!

CL: And I will be queen of cabbage patch land too!

Toto: The shiny object!

SC: I met Obama at the mall last Saturday. He's shorter than I thought!

Monday, after everything has sunk in.

Glynda: OZ said he is going to give Purple Dino-SOUR's position to his son.

Me: Of course he is because my work life isn't miserable enough!

Milton: I know it's petty but I don't know how I'll manage if he doesn't hire someone else and I have to do treat day more often!

Me [looking up from a stack of papers, messages and charts I inherited  from PD's desk because it turn out she never did any work and just decided to shove everything on my desk before she left while I was in the bathroom]: That's what you're focusing on? Treat day? I don't give a rat's ass about freaking treats right now!

Moral of this story:

Be careful what you wish for because an empty bobble head who at least does the minimum is better than paper cuts on your eyeballs.

I feel partly responsible for her retirement because the last time she worked before she retired I may have said something along the lines of "If you're unhappy here, maybe you should retire. He'll replace you with someone for half of what he pays you and life will go on." In my defense, I really didn't think she had the balls. I guess I was wrong.

I think we found the first anti-social gym.

I made my gym debut last Monday. Or re-debut because I used to be a regular a few years ago, pre-marriage. We joined a smaller, local gym because Bally (jerks) makes me want to travel back in time, find Mr. Bally Ballyetterson and remove his testicles. Yes, I know I could do that in the present but he might be on guard against disgruntled ex gym members.

Anyway, I got myself ready with my brand new Sketchers, my green kisses St. Patrick's Day socks , my AC/DC shirt to balance out my dorky socks and waited for my sister to come pick me up.

We arrived at the gym, I have to admit to having butterflies in my tummy, and the chick that was going to sign me up was the Anti-Bally's Drone. So much so that I think she was trying to discourage me from joining! 

ABD: Are you excited?

Me: Sure.

ABD: I hate it here.

Me and my sister look at each other like saying "huh? did you hear what I heard?"

ABD: I mean, I get up and I'm like 'oh! I have to go to the gym!'

Me: Well uh that... sucks?

ABD: Yeah. So anyway, [she goes into her spiel and takes my hard earned chocolate money] So, go ahead and start working out and I'll have your card ready by the time you're done.

We made our way to the treadmills- (What? I am not a wimp! I haven't worked out in almost a decade! Baby steps!) we pulled out our iPhones and you won't believe me when I tell you but they have a TV on each treadmill! I know, right? That's like straight out of Gattica! I remember back years ago when we could get limited Internet on a stationary bike but you had to pedal like a damn fool to keep it going! Even though I was leaner and meaner back then, it still took a lot of human power to keep the Internet up long enough for a full picture of "Brad Pitt in his birthday suit" to finish loading! The treadmills also have a thingy where you can plug in your ipod/iphone directly to the treadmill(!). So I did and it asked me if I wanted to save my exercise to my phone. This age we live in? Pretty Jettsonesque. I said 'no' because I don't need my phone judging me too and then I began my climb into the Himalayan mountains.

I'm proud to say I walked almost 2 kilometers in 30 minutes. I'm not really sure what 2km translates to here in the states but I'm gonna go with 50 miles.

That sounds about right!

When we finished, we sanitized the machines and made our way to the front desk where I saw many inspirational thought bubbles of people expressing why they exercise. My favorite one was "I do it so I'm ready for the Zombie Apocalypse" then our emo hostess caught our eye and waved my newly laminated card that gives me access to self torture at me. The first thing she asked me?

"Are you ready to quit yet?"

I think I'm gonna like this new gym.