And now, just for you jean knee, some Milton!

So, as some of you may know, Milton is Arkham Asylum's *female* accountant (I'm pointing out that she's female because I gave her a male name and people always call her *he* or *him* and she's not either). As a person, I like her very much and she's been to my house and we've done yard sales and also skipped hand in hand through a field of daisies. Sometimes, however, she has me questioning God's plan.

Anyway, tomorrow (or if you're reading this on Friday it's today and if you're reading this 6 months from now it was 8/20 and if you're reading this in the future, pick me out the winning lottery numbers) is her birthday so as is tradition here in the Asylum, she had to bring her cake in on Thursday (because everything is celebrated on Thursday due to the fact that OZ is in surgery and therefore does not make an appearance).

We prepared the cake by lighting the candles and then waited for her to walk into the kitchen so we could *surprise* her with the cake she brought in. When we saw her shadow rounding the corner, we yelled out "surprise" and sang Happy Birthday (I did a little dance for her too. Luckily there is no video evidence of this tomfoolery!) and then we waited patiently while she cut the cake.

Well, "waited patiently" may be exaggerating a bit because the cutting of the cake took a FREAKIN life of its own!

Please, come in and observe.

Milton [as she sticks knife in cake]: Oh dear! I went slightly off center.

Me, Cowardly Lion, Scarecrow, Toto (and the new addition to the team, uh, we'll call her Lucy and I'll tell you about her another time)(hopefully): ::unbelieving stare::

Milton: I think I will cut it in 4 pieces first and then divide it from there. [stands back to take a better look, in the meantime, the knife is at a 789 degree angle, in the cake]

Me: I don't care if my piece is lopsided. I'll just eat it with my head tilted at an angle so that will even it out.

Milton [squinting, looking for imaginary lines]: No, I'll slide the knife a little to the right and it should be fine. [slides knife and stands back again to inspect the results][I AM NOT EVEN MAKING THIS SHIT UP!]

Me [I put my hand on the knife's handle]: Uhm, how about I just cut the cake so we can get on with the eating?? I NEED SUGAR! [okay, I probably didn't need it because I was already all buzzed up on the 'feine ]

Milton [slaps my hand away]: Hey! At least I'm not doing what I do at home!

Me: I'm afraid to ask . . .

Milton [looks at me and adjusts her glasses]: I use a tape measure, of course!

Me, Cowardly Lion, Scarecrow, Toto and Lucy: ::unbelieving stare, mouth wide open::

Milton [looks at us with a serious smile]: Who wants the first symmetrical piece?

How does a girl spend her 37th birthday? Glad you asked!

I woke up bleary eyed and stumbling, as per usual, and received my birthday hug from my Andy along with a beautiful card full of words of love and shmoopiness.

Who has 2 thumbs and is blessed to have a great man? [thumbs pointing at myself] This girl!

I then went to the mirror to yawn and admire my beauty before I showered and that's when I noticed— Have any of you experienced that eerie feeling of dread when you're brushing your teeth and you're afraid of looking in the mirror because it may not be your face looking back at you but that of a sinister being with shiny red eyes and sharp teeth? Well that's what happened to me on my birthday!

(why couldn't this have happened on Halloween?? I would have had a ton of fun scaring the little people!)

It seems I'm allergic to the new eyeliner I bought and neglected to remove before going to bed last night. I remember my thought was "meh. I'm all cozy in bed, what harm can it do?" well, it can make your eyes blood red and give the appearance of pink eye, that's what!

I had to go the whole day of my birthday responding to the "Oh, you have pink eye!" comment everybody was making.

"No, I do not have pink eye you sick bitches! I'm allergic to my new eyeliner" and then they would look at me out of the corner of their eye as they made
their way out of my *pink eye infested* space.

It is a serious insult to ask someone if they have pink eye. I'd rather people ask me if I know how to speak Mexican (you'd be surprised how many times I have
to respond with "do you know how to speak Unitedstatesofamerican?").

Terrifying eyes aside, I did enjoy the day. After I removed the sheet of ice from my car.

 

Which brings me to another question, how did Alex from Madagascar get in my car?

I haven't chauffeured a munchkin in years!

Thank you to all who wished me a happy birthday on the blogus, facebook, email, text message, phone call, via card and in person. You guys rock! Almost as much as I do.

 

Stay tuned on Friday for my interview with Robert Kroese, Author of Mercury Falls, dude behind Mattress Police and Humor Blogs.

I will ask hard hitting questions like, "If you were a chair, what kind of chair would you be... and why?" serious stuff right there!

Please tell me your worst birthday story. But nothing sad like "oh, my dog died on my birthday!" because then I will tell you that you suck.

Today is my little sister's birthday.

She turns the grand old age of... twenty-something.

She's getting to that age where we women hesitate to answer truthfully. Except for me. For some reason I start adding years to myself months before my birthday. It could be the old-timers disease everybody keeps talking about.

Anyway, I won't be the one to say how old she is today (but next year she'll be the big THREE-O).

Unfortunately for my little sister, she is spending her birthday at jury duty! Boo! 

Don't misunderstand me, I'm all for people doing their civic duty (as long as it's not me being inconvenienced) but it sucks when you're stuck doing it in the worst part of the city (County Jail!!) on your birthday!

So, lil sis, if you're reading this now, while you're stuck sitting next to an over perfumed man in a business suit who keeps looking sideways at your boobs and a woman smelling of BO and cat urine, please know we're all thinking of you (as we sit in comfortable chairs while sipping coffee).

Happy Birthday, Nancy! And give 'em hell!

That's me and her, she and I,  dressed up for a special occasion I can't recall... a wedding maybe? I'm singing to her and for some reason she's laughing. It can't be my voice?

Also, she is going to kill me when she sees this picture but I think she looks cute with her little curlers and her teddy bear.

P.S.

Nobody make mention of the fact that her birthday is only a few days away from Halloween, okay? I think she's suffering enough right now since she's probably struggling to find a comfortable spot in those crappy plastic chairs while balancing a book and her Mochachacaca from Starbucks.

I'll be back tomorrow with a proper *day after* post but...

I just wanted to thank everybody for the birthday wishes and also all the new people that stopped by and called me old without even knowing me very well. That is what I want Bee's Musings to be, a place where you feel free to come over and mock me without fear. :o)

I had a great birthday surrounded by lots of people who love me, weird I know, sharing with me the joy of hitting the big THREE SIX!

I leave this quick Andy & Bee in love phone convo:

Andy:
How's your day going, buttnut?

Bee:
Ummm great! Nancy and Natalia surprised me! [more on that later]

Andy:
Good good. What kind of cake do you want?

Bee:
You don't need to get a cake.

Andy:
WHAT KIND OF CAKE DO YOU WANT??

Bee:
WHATEVER IS FINE!!

Andy:
Tell me what kind! YOU ARE SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS!

Bee:
No, you're a pain in the ass!!

Andy:
NO, YOU ARE!

And so ends another lovey dovey phone conversation.

He wound up bringing me Strawberry shortcake and Tiramisu, how much does my husband rock even though he's a pain in the ass??



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