We interrupt this silence to bring you an URGENT RANT!

So things here at the Beehive haven’t gone as smoothly as I was promised in the fairy tales. It seems every time Andy and I are about to bathe in the light at the end of the tunnel, a giant boulder blocks our exit and we are left in the rat infested tunnel with only our iPhone lights to illuminate the graffiti on the walls. But whatever. He and I have gotten through a million other tough times so I’m sure we’ll manage again. Eventually.

Anyway, since things have been crap, we do little “cheer me ups” to make things a little more bearable. Now, if you’re thinking we light up a joint and just chill, you’d be wrong because it is illegal. We are also not boozers so taking shots of tequila is out of the question. No, what we do is we bake cookies or pick up a pizza or go to my very favorite hot dog/hamburger joint, Portillo’s. Don’t worry, we are aware that one day we may be a couple of walking talking heart attacks waiting to happen but that’s a worry for another day.

On this “cheer me up” day, we decided to pick up Portillo’s. Since I work about 3 minutes from one, it was decided that I would go right after work so that when my Andy came home, I would be waiting for him with a hot meal and his slippers. Because I’m an awesome wife.

I went into Portillo’s and was pleasantly surprised to see there wasn’t anybody in front of me in line. Yay! I placed my order, 2 bacon cheeseburgers with everything (including grilled onions and pickles), 2 hot dogs with everything, an order of chicken strips, 4 small fries and a side of cheese. It wasn’t just Andy and I eating, m’mkay? I got my number and went to stand in the pick up section. So far so good.

The restaurant started getting a little busy but no worries cuz I beat those suckers in placing my order. 15 minutes later, they called my number, I picked up my bag and went happily on my way. When I got home I took Mocha and Tazz outside for their potty breaks and then came back inside to unpack the muy deliciosa meal.

I took out the chicken fingers, I took out the burger and wait. One burger? I ordered two, didn’t I? I looked at my receipt and I was definitely charged for two. Okay so I check another bag and I see the 2 hot dogs. Hmmmm maybe it’s in with the fries? Nope. I am missing one of the burgers. The place wasn’t as busy as it can get and they had about 10 people working the cook aisle and yet they forgot to give me a burger? Really?

I’m sure most of you have had this happen to you. You go to a fast food place to pick something up only to find when you get home they forgot something. I’m sure it’s not something you’ve lost your shit over but things in my life are a little bit out of my control right now so, for me, this was some sort of camel-back-breaking thing.

I called Portillo’s and had to explain what happened to the person who answered the phone and then again to a manager. Having worked in fast food for 9 years, I know the drill. “Would you like to come pick it up?” My answer was no. How does that help my situation? I picked up the food after work because the 2 streets I would have to take to get to Portillo’s from my house are a fucking nightmare, trafficwise, at that time. His next solution was to give me credit for next time. Yeah? Awfully kind of you! But! How does that help my situation? There is still going to be one person without food, right now! So option 3 was for him to send me a gift card with the amount of my burger by mail that would get to me in 7-10 business days. Well, that sounds like a fucking plan. Are you hungry right now, babe? Do you think maybe you can hold it for 7-10 business days? That would make sense if I were going to be planning a meal in the future and oh wait! For all of these “options” I still have to get my ass in my car and drive to a place I had already gone to, to pick up something that should have already been fucking digested!

The way I see it, when fast food places fuck up your order, they should say to you “Dear beloved customer, we will be sending MarioAndretti (that is the only fast car driver I know) to bring your food to you because we know we fucked up and that is really the only solution that would make things right” Giving me a credit or a voucher does nothing for me. I have a good mind to call the cops and let them know they stole my 5 bucks because they certainly would do the same to me if I walked out without paying for a burger!

Right about now, most of you are probably thinking “Oh lord she lost it!” here is some news for you, I “lost it” a long loooong time ago. This right here is just what goes on in my head everyday of my life only this time I was pissed off enough to write it down.

There are a bunch of bad things hovering over our heads right now so in the grand scheme of things, being minus one burger won’t bring down my world but I thought it would be a good idea to focus on something that I could rant about without getting into any trouble and also sending a big SCREW YOU to Portillo’s. 

On the silver lining part of this whole situation, I will probably be boycotting them for the next couple of years (not that they’d care because I’m only one person and they are big popular company) so I’m sure my arteries will be happy.

P.S.

Andy was offered his pick of food because we love him and would hate for him to go hungry. He chose a hot dog and fries and while he wasn't entirely happy, he did get a "big hug" voucher he can use at a later time. Because I’m an awesome wife. 

This is the person that handles the payroll!

Okay. I am not making this up. OZ bought a new “accounting” computer for Milton because the one she was using is from the stone age and it finally just about blew up. They bought new software for it and she had been trying to register the software for over an hour.

Me: Uh, that computer isn’t hooked up to the internet so you won’t be able to register the software online.

Milton: I know the old one was able to be registered so I should be able to register this one!

Me: [was about to say maybe they registered it on installation but shrugs and bows out of the issue because I really don’t give a shit]

Then I hear her on the phone with tech support:

Milton: I am trying to register your software on your website but I keep getting error messages. [listens to tech support] Hold on, I’ll try that but the computer is on the other side of the room. I’ll be right back.

Because the computer is on the other side that’s how we role at the Asylum make everything difficult for everybody.

Me: Why don’t you pick up Cowardly Lion’s phone? It’s closer and you don’t have to be jumping back and forth.

Milton: Em well um I- no, this is fine.

::sigh::

She goes back to tech support and says:

Milton: Tried it but it still gives me the same error message. [listens] The message says [looks at a piece of paper where she wrote down the error message] “cannot locate internet connection. check your internet connection”. [listens] Okay, I’ll try that.

Gets up again and turns the computer this way and that. Pushes cables deep and tries again.

Milton: No, it still gives me the same message.

This goes on for a very very long time but finally:

Milton: Does it make a difference if this computer is not connected to the internet? … Hello? Hello? [I’m assuming the tech support person had to take a moment to compose themselves.] Why does it have to be connected to the internet? I’m not going to be doing anything online?
At that point I got up and took a walk around the building.

Bizarro Friday

Glynda (to me): What did you do for Mexican New Year?

Me: … ::blink blink:: I’m sorry, what did I what for what?

Glynda: Mexican New Year. I read in the paper that it was Mexican New Year over the weekend.

Me: Uh, as far as I know Mexican New Year is still on January first but maybe I didn’t get the memo? [smiles to tell her I’m just kidding] I think you meant Mexican Independence Day but that’s today.

Glynda: [giving me a look that says I must be a part-time Mexican and not “all there”] I’m pretty sure they said it was MEXICAN NEW YEAR.

Me: Well, I guess I’ll have to check with my fellow Mexicans and update my Aztec calendar. [hangs head in shame] I wonder when the Mexican Independence Day will be celebrated now that we have moved our New Year [puts hand on chin to imply deep thought] will my birthday be in the same month! I need to call a meeting!

Glynda: So I guess you’re mocking me?

Me: Maybe just a little.


OZ is off today which is awesome for many reasons but mostly because he’s taking his douchiness on the road but also because this means no patients. Or so we thought until a stray one walked in who thought his appointment was today. He also happened to be a Spanish speaker which does not say much for “my people” because I already dropped the ball on the whole Mexican New Year thing so I went up to the front desk to tell him he was here on the wrong day and then he creeped me out because he started hitting on me!

I came back to my desk and told Milton how this old dude had hit on me all creepy-like.

Me: You know, I try to help people out and this is how they repay me!

Milton: Well I think it’s flattering.

Me: Noooooo the dude is like forty!

Milton: Well that’s not too old—

Me: Uh-huh! I just looked up his age and he’s 42! OLD! Ick!

Milton: [stands by my desk and gently asks] How old are you going to be this year?

Me: Thirty- [complete and utter horror at the HOLY SHIT realization] -NINE! Aw man! I’m old too!

Where did the years go? Where?