Happy New Year! (I couldn't think of a better title)

New Year's Eve started like any other day. With me on my hands and knees looking for my pants. Just kidding! I was on my hands and knees but I was looking for a clippy thingie that attaches my earpiece wire to my clothes. It had popped off for the millionth time because I keep forgetting to unclip it before I walk away from my desk. Milton was in the middle of another one of her epic tales that involve socks or blocks or cocks not really sure since I couldn't hear her well.

Let's listen in:

Milton: —— so I'm going to update my résumé but I will wait for something good to come up because I don't want to make a bilateral move.

THUNK! [that's my head hitting my desk]

Me: A what? A bilateral move?

Milton: Yeah. That's when you go from the same position and money from one job to another.

Me: ::blink blink:: I think you mean lateral.

Milton: Nooooo I mean Bi-lateral! [looks down on/at me because I am on my knees and because she thinks I'm stupid] *BI* means 2 so you move from your present job, JOB ONE, to another job, JOB TWO, which makes it BILATERAL.

Me: ... I learn something new everyday!   

In this case I learned some people are way overpaid.

I've been trolling the internet and there are a lot of people who are wishing for a better year because 2009 kicked them in the nuts. I wish happiness and success for them because we were there in 2008. Not to say we were burning money because we definitely struggled but we thankfully managed to keep afloat.

As for New Year's resolutions, I don't believe in them. Unless you count me exclaiming to world that I resolve to be crabbier in 2010 while in my PJs a resolution. MY promise to find the culprit who messes with my 2 whole punch every freakin day(!) could count as a resolution I guess.

Andy and I are too old to go out and celebrate with the young 'uns but we are going to ring in the New Year by sitting in the warmth of our house, having Kaluha & cream, eating pistachios and watching Terminator Salvation (I know, cheery movie to ring in 2010 but I might get some tips on survival) with potty mouth Christian Bale. At midnight we will open up a bottle of sparkling cider for a toast to family, health, friends and good fortune.

May you and yours have a blessed New Year!

P.S.

Out of Context!

Today, 12/31/09, I was able to say:

"Hey now ladies, 10:30 is too early to talk about sodomy"

So all in all, 2009 went out with a bang!

I love starting my mornings by racing old ladies!

I had just parked my car and was hauling ass towards the door because I was thisclose to being late (yep, I've been successful in my pre-New Year's resolution to be on time. I'm 3 for 3 this week!) all of a sudden, this older woman starts catching up to me and yells "I'm gonna beat you!" so I stopped in my tracks and asked "Like knock me on my butt *beat me*?" I needed to know in case I had to break out my Karate stance. She stops and looks at me in wide eyed innocence (I'm sure she was totally faking it!) and asks "Pardon me?"  and that's when I ran to the door and left her in my dust! In your face old lady! You can't beat a cheater!

(Racing Grannies)

All she was left with was the echo of my laughter!

MUAHAHAHAHA!!

 

What? She started it!

What matters is the amount of pride you put into your work . . . riiiight?

I went on an interview at a clothing store for a part time job on Saturday. I'm not going to name names because this crew is younger and knows how to google. I think it went great . . . actually I think I ♫ nailed it ♪!

It started with the woman asking me things like "what is your greatest accomplishment" and me answering "staying out of jail" just kidding! I said something like "we pulled ourselves out of near poverty to where we now live a comfortable existence" (which I know doesn't make sense because here I am looking for a part time job but that's how we were able to have some measure of success, by doing what we had to do) then her asking what my strengths were and me answering the clichéd "being a team player" and when she asked about my weakness I was temporarily at a loss for words because HELLO! What weaknesses? I came clean and told her I'm quick to anger, I mock stupid people incessantly to their faces AND I have a BLOG where I mock ALL people to anyone who'll listen my lack of punctuality was my main weakness but I assured her it would not happen here because I would be coming from a second job therefore I would already be awake. Hopefully.

  She then put me on the spot by saying "pretend I'm a client and you are trying to sell me the outfit you're wearing now, what would you say to make me want to buy it?" It just so happened that I was clothed from top to underbottoms with clothes from this store so I said:

"These slacks have a great fit around the waist line, the length is perfect for someone of my height (short but cute), but they also come in freakishly tall and sorry you're average. I bought them a few years ago but they have withstood the test of many washings by not fading and showing no signs of wear and tear. Also, if you hang them up right after drying, there is no need for ironing which is a big plus for someone like me who is always running late is always pressed for time. The sweater has a perfect ¾ length sleeve that allows me freedom to eat without soaking it in my soup, the fit accentuates the parts I want [I pointed at my boobies] and is slightly looser around my problem areas [I pointed at my jelly belly]. The color is a fantastic blue/green that goes well with many complexions and the most important point is that it did not shrink in the wash. I am also wearing undergarments that fit my a-little-too-much figure perfectly. Almost as if they were tailor made!"

She laughed and said she would definitely buy what I'm selling which I took as code for "you're full of shit but I can see people falling for your charming
ways" Why thank you, decoder in my head! She said she would check my references (sweating bullets)(not because people will have bad things to say about me because I am a gem but because I'm hoping they'll answer their freaking phones!) and I should know this week if I got the job. She also told me they get a 30% employee discount even off of already discounted items . . . I have never wanted a job more!

I know what you're thinking. That I am the self appointed Queen of the Antisocialites so how will I be able to deal with people on a daily basis? Well,  my friends, it would be hard but if it means getting juicy blog fodder, guess I'll just have to grin and bare it.

So anyway, I know you're all busy praying for obnoxious kittens and illiterate horses but if you could throw in a little prayer to the big guy to help me get this job, I'd really appreciate it! I may even let you use my 20% discount! Yes, I know I said it's 30% but the house takes 10%.