What came first? The chicken or the chick who likes to eat them?

I was gardening this weekend and niece Natalia was helping me (according to her, my old bones are decaying).

I love hanging out with her but I never know when a dangerous subject will arise because it always starts so innocent.

Example:

Natalia:
Tia Bee, you're 35 right?

Bee:
Uh-huh. Thirty years older than you.

Natalia:
How old will you be when I'm 35? 65?

Bee:
Yup!

Natalia:
Grandma is 20 years older than you so she'll be 85?

Bee: [beaming with pride cuz I still need to use a calculator]
Great math skillz honey.

Natalia:
But then when I'm 65 you'll be 95?

BAM! Because let's face it, even if I start treating my body like a golden Buddha temple -RIGHT NOW- my chances of hitting 95 are slim to watcha been smokin'!

Bee:
Uh... if somebody finds the cure for bacon, sure!

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So there we were, digging holes and replanting flowers.

Natalia:
Where did you get these flowers?

Bee:
Home Depot.

Natalia:
Where did HD get them?

Bee:
A nursery I assume. [I explained what a nursery was.]

Natalia:
Where does the nursery get the seeds to plant the flowers?

Bee:
From other flowers or a seed supplier.

She gives me a look I know very well. this looks says "I am going to keep asking where the original flowers that produced the seeds came from until you can tell me the origin of all plant life, sea life, THE UNIVERSE"

For ages people have wondered what came first, the chicken or the egg. I personally believe the chicken because I believe in God therefore in my mind he made the chicken then the chicken produced eggs. Now, I am not going to get into a theological discussion with a 5 year old so....

Bee:
::sigh::
Once upon a time there was this evil witch who liked to turn children into stones. This made a beautiful fairy very sad but she was unable to return the children to their human form. Instead, she would turn the stones into these beautifully scented plants with petals, later to be known as flowers. The evil witch then started pulling all the flowers from the earth but little did she know they were dropping little seeds everywhere. The sad towns people decided to pick them up and bury them by their homes. To their surprise, flowers started to bloom...

Natalia:
[serious face] I like your story but next time you can just say "I don't know".
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What? I say the earlier she becomes accustomed to this nutty head of mine, the sooner she can start looking after me when I start believing my lies.

Now, aren't you glad I don't have any of my own??


P.S.
Update on Assistantgate. She called in sick today. That's 3 times in 3 weeks but the powers that be want her to finish the month of August. Can somebody press the fast forward button??
Humor-Blogs

It's like I don't even know him!!

So, on Friday/Saturday, Bee's Musings was out of commission for a spell (always wanted to say for a spell, meh. I think it means for a while in country) due to the evil Sitemeter.

At first, I thought it was my computer because Andy could pull up my blog no problem. I had no clue why or how or what or when or even who but I can tell you that I felt like somebody had given me a swift kick to the imaginary gonads

I really didn't have much time to investigate since my momma was due to arrive and I had Cheerios to eat.

But then...

I received ONE a few e-mails from panicked people threatening to come over to my humble home at MIDNIGHT and have me relate IN PERSON what I was up to.

Having no other choice since I didn't feeling like taking a shower to receive company, I cracked my knuckles and tried to figure out what the problem was first thing on Saturday morning.

The facts were these:
Only people with Internet Explorer had issues.
I couldn't pull up the Sitemeter website.
Other people who had Sitemeter were having the same problem.

DING DING DING.

I removed Sitemeter and patted myself on the back for my deductive reasoning.

What I didn't understand was why Bee's Musings came up on Andy's computer but not my laptop. When I pondered this out loud in the vicinity of one Andrew Husband, his response?

"I use Firefox, Internet Explorer is for chumps."

Mhm, as Mocha is my witness, that's what he said. Did I know he wasn't using IE? Nope.

I wonder what else he's keeping from me? Has he switched my coffee to decaf?Does he add extra softener to my clothes like I ask? Is he the one who half opened my deodorant? Is his name really Andy??
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P.S.
I checked online to see how much it would cost to replace P-T S (my brain dead assistant) with a monkey and it turns out I'd need permits, proof of disability and around $10 Grand. Now all I have to do is decided what color monkey I want.

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She is currently on hold with an insurance company and keeps sighing out loud and then saying "still holding". Each sigh is making me uncomfortable since I can't tell if she's upset or if it's giving her pleasure...

I just went over and asked her to keep her moaning to a minimum.

Minimum equals shutty.

So I AKS ya'...

If you opened a brand new deodorant and found that the little tamper strip was already half pulled off, would you still use it?




I had no choice since it's summer here in Beeland and I prefer not to have flies following me as I go about my day.

I mean, what could the harm be?? Some nut job injected Rogaine and my pits will just have to be shaved more often? Trust me when I say I'm doing a service to mankind by trying to maintain my stink level at a bare minimum.

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On a non icky note, my momma arrived well and I think she's happy to be back...

She told me the following story driving home from the airport (I tried to get her to start a blog, her response "Blowg?? Tas loca!") which tickled my funny bone.

Her sister is applying for a liquor license so she could sell beer in her store. If you think permits are all about who you know here in the states, in Mexico, it's all about how much money you're willing to bribe people with.

After being sent from here to there, they were at the final step and were just waiting for some attorney to call my aunt's name so he could *review* her paperwork.

Mom:

I finally couldn't take it! I told her I was too nervous so I was going to wait outside and pray.

Bee:

Uh, ::snickering:: you told her you were going to pray she got a permit to sell liquor?? What's next? You're gonna ask God to make the neighbors raging alcoholics??

And that ladies and gentleman, started our first argument in 3 months after only 5 minutes* in the car. SCORE! ;o)

*A new record for yours truly.

Also:

Save the polar bears!

(maybe in a ziploc bag?)