Thursday, May 21, 2009

Being a Mexican American PPVO (Post Pig Virus Outbreak).

I tell ya’ guys, I’m afraid to get sick. Not because I think my lungs will fill up with mucus and I’ll die face down in my sleep. No, that doesn't keep me up at night but if I walk in with a hoarse voice (HOARSE not WHORE'S) the ladies are on my case about going to the doctor to get myself checked.


I have to tell them that they are the only people I’ve come in contact with and it’s not like there’s a gene we, the Aztec people, carry in our DNA! It’s a fucking flu.

I don’t know if they seriously think that if I get a run of the mill cold, it will mutate into the dreaded porky germs or what but they are working the reserve of nerves I keep for emergency situations. Like, for example, the time Andy came home late for lunch when he knew we were hosting his parents and we’d only been living together a couple of months and instead he went for lunch and drinks with his buddy (we will call him Peter) Peter after their field trip to some museum of electricity during his apprentice years, and then lied to me about where he had been and I didn’t find out until our first year anniversary when he accidentally goofed by knowing his way around a restaurant we’ve supposedly never been to (damn you cheesecake factory!) and I was so mad I nearly speared him with the little sword from my Piña Colada. I know you think it wouldn’t have been too painful for him because those things are tiny and plastic but believe me, the surgeons would have needed sedatives for themselves to assist in the removal of said sword from his left testicle. --- Okay, I guess I’m still mad about it. But now you know why I need that extra reserve of nerves. My Andy uses them up like they were Kleenexes.

Speaking of stuff to wipe yourselves with. We went to Costco, post blueberry muffin catastrophe SO WE DID NOT BUY MORE MUFFINS, and you know how they have stations of samples they give out? I am against sampling stuff because I don’t know what’s flying around Costco. Maybe somebody’s kid has the dreaded Feline Flu that will kill us all I don’t know but anyway there was a lady giving samples of, get this, TOILET PAPER!

Andy and I walked by, did a double take and I said “I’m gonna go over there and take a sample then tell her I’ll come back to let her know how it was.” he stopped me because he always ruins my fun. Also, she was only giving out 2 squares and it may be enough for Sheryl Crow but I need a little bit more to ensure freshness.

A couple of weeks ago, when I went with my sister, some lady bitched because my sister stopped in the middle of the aisle. The lady asked the girl she was with “why do people have to stop in the middle of the aisle??” (apparently the little girl must be some sort of mind reader?) I turned around and gave her a nasty look since my sister had stopped because other people were blocking the aisle she was trying to turn into. I guess she could have run them over but then there would be an accident report to fill out and I’m not sure auto insurance covers shopping carts.

Later, while looking for my Advil, I bumped into the lady again. To be mean, I started following her, at a safe distance where it could seem like I was shopping and it was just a coincidence, she kept looking back at me and then she started sprinting down the aisles while I calmly followed each turn she made. At the end of one of the aisles, she was blocked by a lady who was just standing there with her cart. The stalkee says “Excuse me!” and the stander says “go around me!” and then I laughed and let her get away. My sister said I was insane but she was the one to cause the lady’s wrath so she’s not an innocent party in this story.

Karma being the bitch that she is, when I went back to Costco today (I'm the KM at work this week so I went to get a veggie tray and some chocolate muffins), the dude that was ringing me up took my Costco membership card, looked at my picture then looked at me then looked at my picture then looked at me until I finally had to say "yeah, it's me" because my picture is that bad! It's a cross between a teletubby and an albino cricket. I know, frightening!


Uh, anyway, I got distracted. What I was trying to say is that my throat hurts (but this will not keep me from singing at the top of my lungs m'kay) and I’ve been sneezing (okay I just sneezed mid bite into my muffin and a small piece went through my windpipe OUCHY!) and coughing a lot. But don’t worry. No need to come over here wearing a hazmat suit. I was out all weekend without a sweater because I mistook the sun being out to mean it was also warm but it was definitely too cold to be so bold.

If the bats so much as hint at me being infected, I will give them a close up of my left foot followed rapidly by my right.

I'm taking a mini vacation to do fun things like helping my mom move back downstairs (Yay!) dusting, re-organizing my life and LAUNDRY so I won't be around this weekend. Yeah, I know it makes you sad and you're probably wondering what you'll do without me until Tuesday. Don't worry, you'll be okay. Maybe.


Have a safe Memorial Day and in Brian's case, a safe Bank Holiday!


  1. It's the Bats that need check ups. By a head doctor.

  2. I had a Mexican spicy bean sandwich for lunch, and I'm still... cough... oink... okay.

  3. That was funny. Poor Andy. He'd better hope you don't go through with that cute little stick (pun intended) threat.

    Oh, and Bee? Shame on you for stalking me at Costco! ;-)

    Good luck this weekend and I hope you feel better soon.

  4. What's a Mexican Spicy bean sandwich? Inquiring Mexicans want to know...

    Bee, I hope I never piss you off! Seriously, hell hath no fury like a Bee scorned. HA! You're as dangerous as your flying counterparts.

  5. It was a sandwich with beans, some kind of spicy sauce and some other vegetables. I don't know whether it was the spice, the beans or the sandwich that was Mexican.

    It might be as Mexican as marmite for all I know. It tasted good, though...

  6. Brian, YOU are making me so hungry! I brought Fromunda cheese in as one of my treats again. Maybe I’ll go have some of that.

  7. Were you going to do a numbe 1 or 2 on your sample toilet paper? Makes all the difference in the world ;)

  8. Did you know that this round of the swine flu virus didn't even originate in Mexico. It got a two second mention in the news but Mexico's tourism is screwed.

    On another subject, isn't messing with people in the supermarket a blast? The closest I've gotten to that much fun was leaving magazine photos of naked women all over the Salt Lake City airport. The magazine shops there even cover the women wearing bikinis. Now that's just wrong. So I balanced the Force.

  9. i dont care what you say I know youre out there infecting all of civilization! what? i have to put up with polish jokes!

  10. I work with a guy who's from Mexico. Our boss brought his teenage daughter to visit the office and she had a cold and she gave it to my Mexican coworker. My boss told him to take a few paid days off until he got better so it’s not all bad.

    Wait, I think he’s from El Salvador. Lucky bastard.

  11. I must be slipping in my old age if I didn’t even consider having a cold could be to my advantage! I’ll blackmail the ladies by telling them I’m coming in and spreading my germs unless they give up their vacation time so I may stay home and recuperate!

  12. I seem to snort a lot when I read your blog. Does that mean I have contracted the pig virus through your site?

  13. Have a Happy Memorial Day, yourself! Our plans are to just relax and eat lots of grilled meats.

    Oh...and the sample toilet paper? Uhh...are you supposed to sample it right there?

  14. Well, I went to Costco this week and I'm still alive, so fingers crossed!

  15. LOL ... I so want to calmly stalk people now.

    Someone in my office claimed to "maybe" have Swine Flu and didn't come in for a week. It seemed to work ... I was the only one calling B.S.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.